Sci-Fi Fantasy

Jokes

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

from Jokelounge.net

Star Wars Fanatic

You know you're a Star Wars Fanatic:

• When you pass out while trying to move a pencil across the desk by force
• When you get jealous of Luke because his light saber is bigger than yours
• When you get into a fight , you automatically reach find yourself reaching for your light saber
• If you get your head stuck in a bucket pretending to be Darth Vader
• With a blue plastic tube, a flashlight, two hours on a Saturday night, and 4 rolls of blue electric tape, you finally complete your own working Light-saber
• Your room is filthy except for your Star Wars Area
• You name your right hand 'Leia'
• Whenever you get in trouble you mutter " I have a bad feeling about this "
• When you listen for Obi-Wan while attempting to parallel park
• You swear you saw Obi-Wan in your Cheerio's
• When you wake up screaming "Luke it's a trap"
• You start to see visions of Ben Kenobi telling you to go to bed
• When you fail to get the last Cheerio in the bowl and instinctively mutter " The force is strong in this one"
• You can't resist humming when you turn on a flashlight
• You buy 2 copies of the trilogy just so you can have a Darth Vader helmet
• You have a tan line from your Darth Vader helmet
• At the airport when the clerk asks you if anyone else has handled your bag you say, "No, it's just me, the boy, two droids..and no questions asked
• When you are stuck doing yoga classes because of a misprint in the advertisement

The Hermit!

The Top 5 Complaints by Real Aliens about Earthling Science Fiction

• Oh sure, Kirk talks a computer to death in five minutes, never thinking about the long hours in therapy our computers will have to spend getting over it.
• Every alien larva knows that reconfiguring the solar matrix for endothermic propulsion only works if you initiate an inverse tachyon pulse from the main deflector dish *AND* push the little blue button. What are you Earthlings *thinking*?!?
• Quickly transversing the universe through hyperspace? Please. With rush hour, you're looking at a good eon just to get to Proxima Centauri.
• You people say "tentacled alien overlords" like it's some kind of a bad thing.

and the Number 1 Complaint by Real Aliens about Earthling Science Fiction...

• Our females would not, under any circumstances, have sex with Kirk.

Redneck - Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...

• your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
• he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
• you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
• he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
• he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
• he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil
• he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
• he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
• he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
• he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
• he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
• he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
• he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
• he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
• he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
• he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
• he paints the starship John Deere green
• he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
• he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
• his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
• he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
• his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
• he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
• his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
• he sets phaser to "Cajun"

Star Wars v's Star Trek

Top Ten Reasons Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt In The Star Trak Universe

• In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".
• The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
• After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
• One word: Lightsabers.
• Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
• The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not. 
• Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters. 
• Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action. 
• The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I". 
• Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.

Top reasons why the Star Wars characters might not have such an easy time of it in Kirks universe

• In the Star Wars Universe the weapons rarely, if ever, can be rigged to power small planets.
• Like I said; Scotty and one phaser.
• After his first major fight Luke looses a hand and runs away. Kirk gets into all out fist fight brawls every day with any number of aliens, and only cuts his lip and tears his shirt, which by the way only serves to piss him off.
• One word: Transporters.
• HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT KLINGONS EAT!!!
• Kirk is only concerned with class "M" because there may be chicks on it.
• Luke Skywalker is NOT obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters. What's wrong with that boy?
• Kahn would wait 10 years on a desert hell planet for the soul purpose of plucking out Jaba's eyes and having them for lunch. 
• Spock can talk to cement creatures. 
• C'mon we all know the Enterprise has no set limitations on it's speed. The more dire the situation the faster Scotty can get that ship going. With a little help from some rerouted phasers and the front radar array Kirk has had that bad boy going warp 13+, and if there were a Green Chick at the other end it could go faster! 

Trainspotting and Star Wars

Ewan MacGregor's opening speech in the new Star Wars:

• Choose the force. Choose a side, Choose a jedi knight,
• Choose a teacher,
• Choose a big death star,
• Choose star destroyers, blasters,tie-fighters and a light sabre.
• Choose a black suit, black helmet and boots.
• Choose a loan from Jabba the Hut.
• Choose a philosophy.
• Choose an Emperor.
• Choose a planet with matching moon.
• Choose a three planet system in the Dromoda system and enslave them.
• Choose the Rebels and wondering who you are, kneeling by the Emperor on a Sunday morning.
• Choose sitting next to that Emperor watching whole planets being enslaved in mind-controlling, force-crushing battles, stuffing replacement parts into your body.
• Choose rotting away at the end of it all, living your last in a miserable death star, nothing more than a dictator to the selfish, evil brats who fight for you.
• Choose a future.
• Choose the Force.
• I chose not to choose the Force.
• I chose something else - I chose the Dark Side.

Something Star Wars

After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the Death Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has added a new, state-of-the-art day care center to its already vast array of capabilities. The massive four-room day care center, which, according to Grand Moff Tarkin, will "provide a safe and fun learning environment for tots between the ages of one and four," has already begun spring enrollment and is expected to be fully operational by June 1.

"Nothing can stop the Sunshine Death Star Play and Learning Center," the Imperial Emperor said via holograph. "With its four classrooms, outdoor playground and experienced staff of licensed day care professionals, no other facility can match its awesome instructive power."

Though still several weeks away from full strength, the Sunshine Death Star Center is already up and running. Among the most popular activities there are finger-painting, storytime and Duck Duck Goose, which the Emperor often helps lead.

"Feel your hatred flow through you," he told-year-old Jenny Bates, as she energetically chased fellow toddler and "goose" Michael Phillips around the outside of the circle. "Give in to your hatred!"

Disaster was narrowly averted last Friday, when the center took a field trip to the nearby planet Bespin. At the end of the day, minutes into the shuttle ride back to the Death Star, adult chaperone Darth Vader locked eyes with 4-year-old Matthew Schumpert. "Wait," said Vader, probing deep into the child's mind. "There is another Schumpert."

Vader sensed the presence of Katie Schumpert, Matthew's sister, who was still back at the Bespin gift shop purchasing souvenirs. He ordered the shuttle to turn around and averted an embarrassing situation for the new day care facility.

Vader later added: "Join me, parents looking for a safe, dependable child care alternative, and together we will rule the galaxy."

In addition to enjoying many fun games and learning activities, children at the Sunshine Death Star Day Care Center have already gotten to witness the destruction of several planets out the center's giant bay window.

Last Friday, in the middle of a coloring activity, the planet Alderan was blown up, delighting 23 of the 24 children who witnessed the devastating power of the battle station. The sole exception was Libby Phelps,, whose family was vacationing in Alderan at the time of its destruction. She was frightened by the loud explosion and began to cry upon realizing that her mother, father and younger sister were now dead. The emperor's elite squadron of imperial guards leapt to action, removing the girl from the room and giving her some ice cream treats to calm her.

According to Death Star officials, the idea for the center sprang up after a number of parents complained about the lack of quality, affordable child care options on the Death Star.

"As a stormtrooper and father of three, I'm very excited about the new day care center," Death Star citizen Ralph Sedgwick said. "It's a safe, nurturing environment, one in which my child will learn."

Added Gail Lindon: "For years I took my daughter to work because I couldn't afford a nanny. Do you have any idea how hard it is to operate a tractor beam with a two-year-old pulling at your leg?"

As excited as most are about the new day care center, a few extremists have expressed concern about its proximity to the Death Star's reactor core.

"There is an opening in the Death Star's main shaft that leads to the core," parent and dissenting voice Annette Voss said. "If a small rebel ship were to somehow break through the deflector shield and enter the shaft, it's possible it could hit the reactor core with a single, well-placed proton torpedo shot and destroy the entire space station."

Experts, however, scoff at Voss's theory, dismissing such a shot as "a million to one."

Star Wars is better with pants

25 Lines From Star Wars That Can Be Improved if you substitute the word "Pants"

• A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
• You are unwise to lower your pants.
• We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
• She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
• These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
• I find your lack of pants disturbing.
• These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
• Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
• General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
• I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
• TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?
• Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
• Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
• You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.
• Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off.
• Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
• That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
• Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
• Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
• Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for your sister!
• Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
• Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.
• Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
• I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
• You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.

The Astronaut Pen

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.