Welcome to Hermit's Cosmic Horoscopes.
Now I'm assuming that you can all read tables. Above is a very highly researched scientific document which has been used by countless generations of galactic astrologers to specifically assess your destiny. All you have to do is choose the nature of your being i.e. gaseous and then cross reference it with the way you were born, easy.
If you are in any doubt about your material makeup I suggest you look at your parents. And if your still not sure, close your eyes and take a wild stab at the screen, you've got a 1 in 7 chance of getting it right.
When you've established your cosmic sign then click on the corresponding sign link below to read your future. Good Luck!
The Hermit
Rigmortus
Those that have the Rigmortus sign are typically dead. Species that are predominately Rigmortus: The Ex-Ubities, The Former Dullitians, The Late Parrots.
Friends from your past come back to haunt you today. Individually they're quite charming but as a group there's some very dangerous genetic material being exchanged. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them eaten.
Try some athletic activities in the afternoon. Nude volleyball or synchronized cattle prodding would release your inner child.
Above all, don't forget to take that long awaited trip to the wholesale liverwurst outlet.
Auries
The sign of Auries is symbolized by the Non-Listener.
Species having this sign:...uh, we're not sure.
They were announced at one time but...uh, er, we seem to have missed it.
Ignore...*Blah Blah*... in one antenna and out the other...*Yadda Yadda*...render the chicken fat..forgot...dialysis machine for a hamster...*Blah Blah*...Snore zzzzzzzz!
Cankor
Cankor is symbolized by the umbrella-protected festoring sore.
Species that are predominately Cankor: Ouchies, Bobos, The Underachievers of Outer Mooze, and Poontangites
Your psychological baggage missed your flight. You can pick it up at Cardiff International Airport.
Be kind to any recovering codependents you might meet. They're in a foul mood and could go postal. Carry a Torfaen road map with you because there's a good chance you'll be teleported today.
If you feel sluggish, it's due to that big meal last night. A good colon-cleansing will set things right
Chico
Chico is symbolized by circles (actually elipses) around a little round thingy in the middle...OH, Wait!...maybe it's supposed to be an atom....Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket! It's supposed to be an atom. But real atoms don't look like that. They really look more like the inside of my dogs ear....?
Aliens that often have the sign of Chico: The Beings Formerly Known as The Lords of the Vegtables, Energy-Beings of Dimension N, and Masonic Lodge 5638
Today's aspects favor expressing yourself in a unique, dynamic way....perhaps you should yodel into the butt of a Behemazoid or rub your scent glands on a sock puppet. Change is good for you right now. Reconsider any selective surgery using high explosives. Be cautious when handling any food items...that's not the grocery sack, it's grandad's colostomy bag. Stay near the phone. Elvis may phone
Fartisia
The symbol for Fartisia is "No Cheese"
Fantasy fills your day. You're a non-dairy dreamer with a flare for the exotic. Trust your judgement on finances.
Take some risks. Open a half-way house for girls that won't go all the way or organize a combination livestock show and demolition derby.
Throughout the day you may experience Veja Du
(the feeling that none of this has ever happened before).
A friend will give you some good advice...check the expiration date on your birth certificate. Steer clear of Milk of Magnesia. It's made of magnetic cows. Treat your parents to a trip to Six Flags Over the Mendips, but don't visit the Compulsory Folk Dancing Exhibit
Madonni
The sign of Madonni is symbolized by the Ego-Arrows.
You are physically attractive to others, especially when you tie your lower appendages arround your neck.
There's no need for that thorax implant that you've been considering. You're beautiful just the way you are.
Your magnetic personality is constantly attracting stimulating new friends and large farm machinery.
Put your artistic talents to work for you .....design some crop circles or just rearrange your face. Don't open any letters today because your reality check is in the mail.
Sacawheaties
The sign of Sacawheaties is symbolized by the Killer Sheep. Other species with this sign are: Protaxians, Lege Slime Slugs, Xites, and the Earmites of Behemozoids.
For the first half of the millenium you can expect a lull in your daily activities, but don't let the monotonous grind bring you down. Find the time to boil a few pounds of cow's liver or just hose down your genitals.
Burying your sensors in the sand will only result in lost sensors. If your boss or spouse should provoke you, don't hesitate to retaliate with extreme predjudice. This may be the best time for productive, serious thinking.
Take some college classes, like Lint Management, Colander Science, or Bovine Proctology. Avoid confrontation in the waning vestges of the eon.
Crawl into bed, curl up in a larval position, and read a good mind.
Last Modified on: 05-12-2018