Employment Information

Office Jokes

Top 10 excuses for falling asleep at your desk

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
3. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
4. "Amen"
5. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
6. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
7. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
8. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
9. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

Top 10 tricks to liven up a meeting

1. Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.
2. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
3. During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
4. Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
5. Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
6. Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
7. Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
8. When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)
9. Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
10. Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

Job Search Jargon

Competitive Salary:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

 

Flexible Hours:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

 

Good Communicaion Skills:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.

 

Ability to handle heavy work load:
You whine, you're fired.

 

Career Minded:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.

 

Self Motivated:
Management won't answer questions

 

Some Overtime Required:
Some time each night and some time each weekend

 

Duties will vary: 
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

 

Competitive Environment:
We have a lot of turnover.

 

Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self Starter:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

 

Casual Work Environment:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

 

Some Public Relations Required:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

 

Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety Of Experience:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

 

Problem-Solving Skills A Must:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.